AUs of our AUs: A timeline diverges, and a would-be queen leaves her kingdom behind.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand knew he was here. She waited in the throne room, dressed in her family's green rather than the royal crimson, a black sash at her waist. Cama stood by in Shield Arm position, having had both the faith in Hadand and Evred and the air of authority necessary to take over the Guard and back Hadand's orders. When Evred finally reached the throne room, his arrival heralded as much by the people's gasps and murmurs as by any formal announcement, she saluted, fist to heart.

Everything blurred together after that. Evred got her alone at first opportunity, taking Hadand by the hands once they were safely shut into the royal nursery where they had grown up together. "You held the kingdom. There's nothing greater anyone could ask."

It struck her suddenly, how tall and straight he'd grown. Only his expressions distinguished him from his late father. There were new lines around his eyes since last she'd seen him. Even at twenty, he was old enough and wise enough that Hadand could easily trust him with a kingdom. She would trust Evred with anything, herself included. He could never care for her romantically, of course, and she stamped out any faint tendrils of attraction before they could take root and grow strong.

"Sponge--" she started, cutting herself off at use of the childhood nickname. "Evred, I know you have far more than your share of worries right now, but could I ask you to take on one more?" At his nod of assent, an unspoken 'of course' implied in the look that accompanied it, she continued. "There are whispers in the palace. Eyes follow me, and people stop speaking when I enter a room. I've no wish to burden you, but things changed after my father went home to Choread Elgaer. I fear it may mean more trouble coming."

He squeezed her hands briefly before releasing them. "Hadand," and he paused here to consider his words, "you know that I trust you completely, and know you too well to believe any testimony against you." The one bit of broken trust between them had been long-since forgiven, though never forgotten. Evred loved her like a sister. He had always trusted and looked up to her, in a way he never had his own sibling.

"That means there is false testimony," Hadand concluded, as he'd known she would. "Lies to further muddy the waters, as if things weren't bad enough. What do they say?"

Evred's mouth twisted. "You were implicated in my brother's assassination." At her look of outrage, he continued, "I doubt they can get you executed for it, but they will almost certainly have you imprisoned in the numbers they are amassing to back their story.

"Hadand, I want you to go. Like Inda." He never mentioned Inda aloud anymore, but Hadand knew her youngest brother was always in Evred's thoughts. The name alone was proof of his seriousness. "I want you out of reach of this, and there will be no honorable return to Iasca Leror. It is all I can do for you. You deserve to be Hadand-Gunvaer, and hailed as Deheldegarthe by the people. You earned that place. You defended the throne with your own two hands, and I had thought to ask..."

He trails off momentarily, before shaking his head. "Go to Lindeth Harbor. Sail on the ship with least ties to home."

Hadand had remained stoic throughout the speech, but that last word, home, broke her facade. Evred could see how lost she felt now, rather than just surmising it. She knew nothing of space travel. When Barend came home to speak of his time aboard ships, it sounded like nonsense to her. And Iasca Leror was, of course, her home. Hadand could recall no time when she had not known that she would be its queen one day. Her life was here. Her family, what little of it remained to her, was here.

Her family.

With Hadand gone, that would leave not a single one of her parents' children alive and within the kingdom. Her mother would be left with the two girls she'd raised to wed the two sons now lost to her, and not even any letters from a daughter in the royal city as consolation.

That was unacceptable. "If I go," she said quietly, "I need a promise from you. As my friend, my family, and my king."

"Anything," he promised, "if it is within my power to do."

Hadand breathed deep before she spoke again, chin jutting out stubbornly. "Bring my brother home. Swear it to me, and swear it to my mother. Write to my mother from time to time. Tell her I escaped safely. Pass along my love, if you can manage it." She reached out, very lightly touching Evred's arm. Her voice was very soft. "Inda's situation was nothing like mine. He refused a whipping after contrived boyhood dishonor, not because he was afraid but because he did not deserve it. Find a way to set it aside. The revelation of your uncle's other treachery should help. Find Inda, and set things right."

He said he would, and so, she left.

As luck would have it, Hadand found the most foreign ship of all, one whose ties were in an entirely different part of the galaxy. Hadand pled her case with Captain Janeway of the Voyager and was allowed aboard. It pained her to leave Iasca Leror and know that there would truly be no return, but at least now there can be no second guessing.

Hadand can never go home.

She tries to settle into her new life aboard ship, the greenest of new recruits but willing to learn. Hadand cautiously works her way into the crew trying to find a place and a purpose after losing the only ones she'd known.

Comments

[chakotay]

Chakotay doesn't interrupt, listening quietly to her story for as long as she tells it. He meets her gaze with his, but still he doesn't press her or rush her. This is her story to tell and he won't push her through it. They have all night; she can speak at her leisure.

The tale does explain a lot about Hadand's reaction to Chakotay and the Maquis. He considers the similarities and differences quietly, nodding thoughtfully in response. The two do hold a lot in common and he can see better now why they gravitated towards each other. However, has has a feeling that where Elgar and his crew are honorable with their intentions, some of the Maquis weren't. Thievery was common, thievery from the Federation and Cardassia alike. Trespassing. And as long as they struck a blow against the Cardassians, a lot was permissible. Each cell was different, like the Kazon sects, but unlike the Kazon, every Maquis fought the same war.

After a few minutes of silence, Chakotay offers a small smile of understanding. "I find myself wishing I could meet him, but I would never want to put him in that kind of danger. We will keep him, you, and the crew of Voyager safe. You have my word."

They won't take any unnecessary risks, no more than usual, and he knows Kathryn will work to keep both Hadand and Inda safe. Hadand's identity will be as secret as they can keep it. The entire crew will be under orders not to reveal her true family name, those who may know it. Most know her only by her given name and that is enough.

[deheldegarthe]

Oh, she doesn't know about the nobility of Inda's crew, especially since she has no idea what they'd do without him as their leader. She's happy enough that they've kept her brother in one piece. Asking for more seems greedy. Hadand has her priorities.

"Inda's always in danger. His real identity is becoming common knowledge now, I think. The Venn know he's Marlovan for certain. Probably his full name as well. I don't think he'd balk at a little more of it, and I'd love to see my brother again now that he's grown up. I wish I could introduce you."

But Chakotay has once again offered what she asked. She smiles at the assurance, saying softly, "Thank you."

[chakotay]

Chakotay nods, a small but sincere smile playing across his features. "We won't put anyone else in danger," he says easily. "If there's one thing all of us on this ship understand, it's the desire to keep loved ones safe."

Blood family or chosen family, friend or anything else, the crew of Voyager absolutely understands loyalty. They're all loyal to their important people and to each other. With Hadand now being one of their number, it's very easy to promise her that same loyalty.

"The captain will probably give you the option of what name and people you want to take. That much will be your choice." Kathryn Janeway doesn't force anything on her people. Unless they're being particularly stubborn, but then she usually resorts to orders to get things done and orders are orders. Chakotay has a feeling Hadand will respect those very quickly.

[deheldegarthe]

"I was lucky," Hadand tells Chakotay seriously, a soft smile on her lips and her gaze on him. "I can't think of a ship I'd rather be on. I was lucky you passed by at the right time."

She'll come up with a name in the morning. Something Iascan or Idayagan. Probably the latter. But she refuses to give up her own name completely. If she has to shorten or alter Hadand, she will, but she wants a name close to her own.

Hadand sings a couple more songs, allowing Chakotay to ask any questions he might have, and then leans forward, forearms resting on the table. "If you're finished eating, I'll clear this and we can talk about some of your traditions," she offers.

[chakotay]

Chakotay's eyes are serious, though his tone is light, "I think we were all lucky the day we found you."

One of these days, someone is going to figure out his feelings for her before he's ready to even admit them to himself and it will all go downhill from there.

After she sings and they clear away the leftovers, saving what she wants to keep and setting aside anything else to be recycled into the replicator, he picks up his medicine bundle and motions for her to join him on the floor. Sitting cross-legged and motioning for her to sit across from him, he spreads the bundle across the floor between them.

"I don't usually show this to anyone else," he explains. "It's called a medicine bundle, a gathering of very important personal items to help in our vision quests. These items can be anything, as long as they are important to you, so that they can ground you and help you take a trip into your inner self. Mine are a blackbird wing, a CHAH-mooz-ee river stone, and an akoonah to help facilitate the vision quest. Eventually, if you decide to continue this, you will need to make one of your own."

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand's cheeks flush, and she ducks her head as she smiles. The compliment might signify more if he made it personally rather than on behalf of the crew as a whole. It would give her more hope that he felt the same way, at least. But it's enough. Enough to warm her completely and earn him another soft, "thank you."

She's completely admitted her feelings for him to herself. Hadand will just hold onto them as her own secret, as best she can, unless he ever seems to welcome them.

Settling easily and comfortably across from him, she leans forward, examining all of it closely with her eyes but not reaching out to touch any of it. She would know it was personal to him before he said anything, just by the reverent way he carried it.

"I took so little when I left home," she says quietly, more to herself than Chakotay. Hadand traveled light, as people often do when fleeing. She isn't sure how long something like dried plants from home would last, or what else she might use. Perhaps the embroidered border from robes that used to belong to her grandmother, even though it seems a shame to destroy those. But that's a question for another day. "I'm glad you're willing to share this with me. How does a vision quest work? What are the things I ought to know to begin with?"

[chakotay]

"You could find things here as well," he offers. "You have time to decide." The vision quests will, of course, be easier with her own bundle, but for now they can use his. As long as it does the job.

His smile warms, both at the sight of her flush and from happiness that she is open to doing this. Not everyone is. Being able to share this with someone who is so important to him means everything.

"Our vision quests are very important to my people," he begins carefully. "Traditonally, this is how the Sky Spirits and our ancestors speak with us. They guide us through our lives, help us navigate our difficulties. All you need to know and be aware of is that it will feel like a dream. My voice will guide you." He pauses for just a moment, remembering the last two people he helped with this, his smile turning more amused. "Just... don't try to attack your animal guide when you find them and don't tell me what you see. Both will offend your guide and we don't want that."

Chakotay liked to think Kathryn keeps up those vision quests, but it's hard to say. B'Elanna, on the other hand, doesn't, but he can certainly understand why.

"Are you ready to try?"

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand nods. She isn't materialistic, and she doesn't foresee herself acquiring much while she's on board. But she's coming to care about the people on board. As Voyager becomes more and more her home, it will probably have more meaning to her as well.

"Is that warning from experience?" she asks, smiling. She takes this seriously, of course, but that doesn't preclude a little bit of amusement at that caution. "I won't. I wonder if they'll be animals from your world or mine. But if I can't tell you about it, I suppose that means no asking questions afterward."

Hadand settles herself more comfortably, just a slight shift, and looks to Chakotay with trust written openly in her expression. "I'm ready."

She would be less so with no idea of what to expect, if anyone else were guiding her. There's nothing of bluff or bravado in the words right now.

[chakotay]

Chakotay's lips twist at her question. "It might be," he answers as evenly as he can, which isn't very by now. "Just remember to be respectful. Your animal guide is here at your request to help you on your journey. It wouldn't be very polite to offend your guide."

Not that he could ever imagine a world in which Hadand would do that, but the warning needs to be said all the same. No asking questions. That will more be something for him to remember later. As curious as he might be, he cannot ask her. For now, he reaches out for the akoonah, motioning for Hadand to place her hand there. "Keep contact with this and close your eyes. Focus on the sound of my voice."

Taking a deep breath of his own now, he lets his own eyes slide shut and begins his chant. His voice is soft and gentle, rolling through the air between them like a small creek through the woods or a breeze between leaves. His purpose is to help guide her through her vision quest and do to that he has to be calm and quiet.

"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers, and from the bones of our ancestors." He continues onward, letting the quest take effect. With her hand on the akoonah and both of his on his knees, she will be the one connected to the spirits rather than him. Her vision quest should begin shortly. "Picture a place you know, somewhere important to you. When you open your eyes, look around. The first animal that you see is your guide."

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand has tried hard to avoid picturing home. She still misses it acutely, however much she's coming to care for members of Voyager's crew, especially the man sitting across from her now. Finally, with Chakotay's voice in her ears, she gives herself permission.

A soft gasp slips out before she can help it at the sight, even if it's all in her mind, of the plains she's been longing for. Hadand inhales deeply, relishing the smell of grass, the one scent that makes her think of home even more strongly than that of bread baking. She wanted this. Before she even looks for the nearest animal, she has to take a moment to appreciate the sensation of being back where she always belonged.

But she's here for a reason, and almost reluctantly, she turns, eyes alert for any movement. At first, all she sees is the swaying of grass in a gentle breeze. Then she hears hoofbeats and makes another quarter turn.

She doesn't know the name to put to the creature. A horse is new. But hoofbeats on the ground are such a familiar sound that her very first instinct is to vault onto his back and gallop away across the gentle hills. Hadand misses her own mount almost as much as she misses her mother and all the other people she left behind.

Something tells her that trying to ride her animal guide, especially uninvited, would be almost as offensive as attacking him. Hadand sighs almost reluctantly as she steps closer, extending one hand to be sniffed as she would with any animal at home. She thinks that this is probably respectful enough. It's the way she was always taught to show respect to the animals of her own world, at least.

Even with the distractions of home and horse in her mind, Hadand is very aware of Chakotay's presence. His voice forms a backdrop to all of it. Her chest tightens almost painfully at the realization that the sound of his voice makes this vision feel even more like home than the real plains of her own world would now. He has become that much a part of her. "I've met him," she tells Chakotay quietly.

[chakotay]

"Introduce yourself to your guide, if you haven't already." From the tone of her voice and the words chosen, Chakotay assumes that she already has, "Once you have done that, it is time to open yourself. Speak with your guide. Ask for counsel if you need it or simply get to know each other. Do not speak aloud to me. This must be between you and your guide."

He cannot say what way her guide will speak to her, as each one is different. Hadand will have to find her own way of communication and if her mind is open enough, she will discover the easiest and best way.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand's conversation with her guide tonight is not a long one. She isn't asking about Chakotay, not yet. She wants to feel more like a member of the crew before she can even consider risking the friendship that makes her feel most at home here. Hadand can't bring herself to speak if her feelings might be a burden for him. Instead, she hopes for direction. For purpose. She'll do whatever it takes to establish that.

When she opens her eyes and the first thing she sees is Chakotay's face, Hadand can't help the fond smile that spreads across her face immediately. Chakotay is probably the only sight that could rival the places and people she left behind. She stays silent for a moment, beginning with a heartfelt, "Thank you," before she says anything else.

"Not asking questions is hard," Hadand admits, because describing the animal to ask him what it is would offend her guide, and so would asking whether it has an inherent meaning as opposed to just what she understands from their interactions. "I worry I might be missing the knowledge you have of symbols and meanings. Like having a conversation in a newly learned language without all the nuanced context that would come of growing up speaking it."

[chakotay]

Chakotay is both surprised and not surprised that Hadand's first talk with her spirit guide doesn't go as long as some others might. He murmurs instructions to her as necessary, keeping her grounded and focused, and then he falls silent, letting her talk to her guide in whatever way she wants while he meditates on his own with his eyes shut.

He should talk to his father soon. Not today, as he doesn't have the time with Hadand here. Perhaps after he leaves and returns to his own quarters.

When she finally speaks again and his eyes are open once more, he smiles fondly at her, hoping that the smile doesn't give anything away regarding his feelings for her. He doesn't want to make things strained between them or awkward. She's just settling in and she still needs the time to do that.

"I can show you how to access Voyager's library files," he offers easily. "And the holodeck as well can show you the different species of animal we have. Starfleet doesn't have a full account of my people's beliefs, but I can give you an overview without asking you to be specific." He would not mind that at all. Any time spent with Hadand is time well spent, as far as he is concerned. Maybe he cares too much for her, but it's already too late for that.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand's smile deepens, and she nods eagerly. "I'd like that. I don't want to be disrespectful, but I want to understand as much as I can."

It doesn't escape her notice that he's offered to spend still more time with her, as if she didn't already occupy a good deal of Chakotay's free time. Between help with holodeck programs, Restday dinners, and all the other ways he takes the time to check in on Hadand and make sure she's well... Chakotay's duties on the ship take up a lot more of his day than what little she has in the way of assigned tasks. She likes the idea of it, she just wants to be careful not to monopolize his time and energy, not to the extent that it starts to feel like an obligation. "I hope I'm not taking up too much of your time," she says softly. "I know your days are a lot busier than mine are."

But then, she smiles again and adds, "Of course, I enjoy your company very much, and I'll gladly take as much of your time as you offer me."

[chakotay]

"You do your guide a great service by wanting to know more," Chakotay offers easily, trying not to look as happy as he is that she has taken to this as well as she has. He always loves sharing the beliefs of his tribe, especially the spirit guides. Hadand's utter acceptance of this way of life warms his hesrt so much. It makes him care about her even more.

"I think this would be the best way to have you learn. That way I won't be asking too many questions that would offend your animal guide and you won't have to ask me any of them, either." It's a good trade off as far as he's concerned, a way to inform her without making her relationship with her guide strained. "I wouldn't offer to help if I didn't want to." That she can be assured of and he laughs warmly as she echoes that.

"I have dinner with Kathryn once a week to make sure she's taking care of herself and sometimes B'Elanna makes me take care of myself. Any other time is yours. Assuming someone else isn't keeping you too busy."

There's nothing at all romantic about his other engagements, even if he had always wished Kathryn would be. It never worked out that way and now with his interest in Hadand escalating... well, his life was never easy.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand can't help hoping he means something else by it when he offers her any of his downtime that isn't claimed by his closest friends. She wants it to mean more. She's afraid to want it to mean more, because he could just be friendly and considerate. At least she's fairly certain that Chakotay does consider her a friend and enjoy time spent with her. That's some consolation.

"I wish my time was more filled than it is. You know I'm used to keeping busy. For now, I expect I'll be available whenever there's a break in your schedule. If anything, I may thank you for the rescue from Neelix. He means so well, and I do appreciate everything he does, but..." Neelix is exhausting. He knows that Hadand is the newest addition to Voyager, and that she therefore has the most free time and needs the most help settling in. She didn't expect to be anyone's project.

She's trying to get to know more of the crew members, too, because as much as Chakotay has made her feel at home, she knows that she needs to establish other friendships. This is her life now. These are the people she shares it with.

[chakotay]

Chakotay's smile turns warmer and more amused at the mention of Neelix. Oh how well does he know how trying Neelix can be. "If you can believe it, Neelix has calmed down since we first picked him up. I know he wants to help make your transition here easier, but dealing with him long-term is hard." Chakotay doesn't always have patience for Neelix, even now. Then again, he doesn't often have patience for anyone who pushes him. He tries, he does, but patience can be thin.

"I think the answer is that we need to get you a job. That should keep Neelix away for most of the day," he teases. Though, he does need to nudge her in Tuvok's direction, even if that means planting the seed in Tuvok's ear himself. "But... I should be off duty tomorrow at the same time as today. I could meet you in the holodeck then and we could talk about different Earth animals. How does that sound?"

[deheldegarthe]

If this is Neelix calm, Hadand is a little grateful she didn't join the crew earlier.

She knows he's teasing, but Hadand answers seriously anyway, agreeing fervently, "Please! I'd like to be useful here." She needs to be useful here. Hadand is grateful for the help and home that everyone aboard Voyager has offered her, but a sense of purpose has been such a cornerstone of Hadand's life up till now.

"I'll try my hand at anything. I know I don't have much training when it comes to technology as advanced as Voyager's, but I'm willing to study if I have to."

As for the holodeck, she tries to keep her smile from giving away the degree of her happiness at the notion of more time spent with him so soon. She doesn't try too hard, though, not schooling emotion from her face the way she might have in Iasca Leror. Hadand doesn't want to burden Chakotay with her feelings, but he ought to at least know he makes her happy. "I'll meet you there tomorrow," she promises, nodding.

[chakotay]

"I'll see what I can do." That much is serious. If he has to talk to Tuvok about training her for security, then he will. They might not have the Academy here or be able to go through formal Starfleet training, but there are plenty of people who could do it and Chakotay has a feeling that Hadand will respond to Tuvok better than his Maquis did. It's worth a try at any rate.

Though he might need to tell Hadand someday about why he and Tuvok don't get along. Most everyone knows already, so she may as well join their ranks. It might help her figure out how to read them when they're around each other.

They both have to hide the extent of their smiles, it seems. Chakotay barely manages to keep his in check as she agrees to their holodeck date. Meeting. Holodeck meeting. He doesn't want to leave her, but it is getting late and he has duty at 0600 hours. "Then I should let you get some rest in preparation. If you'd like, I can leave my bundle tonight, in case you decide to try contacting your spirit guide again. Later, we can start building yours."

It's a definite sign of trust between them, one someone else would have picked up on in an instant. Thank the Spirits B'Elanna doesn't know or she would jump on this faster than he could say Sky Spirits.

[deheldegarthe]

Thanks are growing stale, she has so many of them for Chakotay, so Hadand just offers him another heartfelt smile at the assurance. She rises to see him to the door, but the offer catches her off guard. She stills, half-standing, for a moment before straightening.

"You really wouldn't mind?" she asks softly, incredulously. She might not have known Chakotay long, but he made no secret of how important his beliefs are to him. Everything they've shared tonight has driven that point very firmly home. Hadand felt honored—and any number of other warm and studiously unacknowledged emotions—to be invited to use it at all, even in Chakotay's presence. This? She isn't so oblivious that she could miss the weight of the offer.

With that in mind and hope singing through her, she loses the battle to keep him at arm's reach. Hadand doesn't kiss him, still fearful of overstepping bounds or burdening Chakotay with unwanted feelings. Once he's on his feet, though, she steps closer and wraps her arms around him in an embrace that's over all too quickly. She forces herself to back away.

It's the kind of affection she'd offer to a friend, Hadand tries to insist. It doesn't have to mean anything more. She knows that she'd convince no one with that argument, least of all herself. With far more conviction, she says aloud, "I'll keep it safe, then, and return it to you when we meet tomorrow."

[chakotay]

Chakotay had honestly not expected the hug. Maybe he should have, but he hadn't. Still, he wraps his arms around her tightly, perhaps tighter than he should. And he knows he holds on just a half second longer than he should, but he can't help it. He wants her to know that he means it more than words can say. The offer never would have come if he didn't mean it. By now, even though they haven't known each other very long, he feels confident that she understands this.

When she backs away, he reluctantly lets his arms drop back to his sides, that half smile still on his face. "I would appreciate that. But I know I won't have to worry about it in your care."

And that doesn't mean anything other than what he would give a friend. That's totally right.

[deheldegarthe]

There aren't words for how good it feels when Chakotay's arms tighten around her. Hadand fights to keep her breath from hitching. She won't give away her feelings. Instead, she just tries to appreciate it, even if it doesn't last nearly long enough.

"You won't," she agrees, enough force behind the words to make them a promise. A brief touch to his arm is the most contact she'll allow herself before she sees him out the door. She wants so much more than that.

If she's being honest, she wants him to stay.

A deliberate soft smile on her face, she says quietly, "Good night, Chakotay."

[chakotay]

Good night is the last thing anyone wants to hear in this situation. But it's exactly what happens.

Chakotay pauses for only a split second before he offers a small smile in return. "Good night, Hadand. I'll see you tomorrow." He wants nothing more than to stay, to enjoy her company for a while longer. He doesn't, though. Instead, he nods one more time and turns to leave, letting the door hiss behind him, closing off this chance for a while to come.