AUs of our AUs: A timeline diverges, and a would-be queen leaves her kingdom behind.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand knew he was here. She waited in the throne room, dressed in her family's green rather than the royal crimson, a black sash at her waist. Cama stood by in Shield Arm position, having had both the faith in Hadand and Evred and the air of authority necessary to take over the Guard and back Hadand's orders. When Evred finally reached the throne room, his arrival heralded as much by the people's gasps and murmurs as by any formal announcement, she saluted, fist to heart.

Everything blurred together after that. Evred got her alone at first opportunity, taking Hadand by the hands once they were safely shut into the royal nursery where they had grown up together. "You held the kingdom. There's nothing greater anyone could ask."

It struck her suddenly, how tall and straight he'd grown. Only his expressions distinguished him from his late father. There were new lines around his eyes since last she'd seen him. Even at twenty, he was old enough and wise enough that Hadand could easily trust him with a kingdom. She would trust Evred with anything, herself included. He could never care for her romantically, of course, and she stamped out any faint tendrils of attraction before they could take root and grow strong.

"Sponge--" she started, cutting herself off at use of the childhood nickname. "Evred, I know you have far more than your share of worries right now, but could I ask you to take on one more?" At his nod of assent, an unspoken 'of course' implied in the look that accompanied it, she continued. "There are whispers in the palace. Eyes follow me, and people stop speaking when I enter a room. I've no wish to burden you, but things changed after my father went home to Choread Elgaer. I fear it may mean more trouble coming."

He squeezed her hands briefly before releasing them. "Hadand," and he paused here to consider his words, "you know that I trust you completely, and know you too well to believe any testimony against you." The one bit of broken trust between them had been long-since forgiven, though never forgotten. Evred loved her like a sister. He had always trusted and looked up to her, in a way he never had his own sibling.

"That means there is false testimony," Hadand concluded, as he'd known she would. "Lies to further muddy the waters, as if things weren't bad enough. What do they say?"

Evred's mouth twisted. "You were implicated in my brother's assassination." At her look of outrage, he continued, "I doubt they can get you executed for it, but they will almost certainly have you imprisoned in the numbers they are amassing to back their story.

"Hadand, I want you to go. Like Inda." He never mentioned Inda aloud anymore, but Hadand knew her youngest brother was always in Evred's thoughts. The name alone was proof of his seriousness. "I want you out of reach of this, and there will be no honorable return to Iasca Leror. It is all I can do for you. You deserve to be Hadand-Gunvaer, and hailed as Deheldegarthe by the people. You earned that place. You defended the throne with your own two hands, and I had thought to ask..."

He trails off momentarily, before shaking his head. "Go to Lindeth Harbor. Sail on the ship with least ties to home."

Hadand had remained stoic throughout the speech, but that last word, home, broke her facade. Evred could see how lost she felt now, rather than just surmising it. She knew nothing of space travel. When Barend came home to speak of his time aboard ships, it sounded like nonsense to her. And Iasca Leror was, of course, her home. Hadand could recall no time when she had not known that she would be its queen one day. Her life was here. Her family, what little of it remained to her, was here.

Her family.

With Hadand gone, that would leave not a single one of her parents' children alive and within the kingdom. Her mother would be left with the two girls she'd raised to wed the two sons now lost to her, and not even any letters from a daughter in the royal city as consolation.

That was unacceptable. "If I go," she said quietly, "I need a promise from you. As my friend, my family, and my king."

"Anything," he promised, "if it is within my power to do."

Hadand breathed deep before she spoke again, chin jutting out stubbornly. "Bring my brother home. Swear it to me, and swear it to my mother. Write to my mother from time to time. Tell her I escaped safely. Pass along my love, if you can manage it." She reached out, very lightly touching Evred's arm. Her voice was very soft. "Inda's situation was nothing like mine. He refused a whipping after contrived boyhood dishonor, not because he was afraid but because he did not deserve it. Find a way to set it aside. The revelation of your uncle's other treachery should help. Find Inda, and set things right."

He said he would, and so, she left.

As luck would have it, Hadand found the most foreign ship of all, one whose ties were in an entirely different part of the galaxy. Hadand pled her case with Captain Janeway of the Voyager and was allowed aboard. It pained her to leave Iasca Leror and know that there would truly be no return, but at least now there can be no second guessing.

Hadand can never go home.

She tries to settle into her new life aboard ship, the greenest of new recruits but willing to learn. Hadand cautiously works her way into the crew trying to find a place and a purpose after losing the only ones she'd known.

Comments

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand smiles softly at the question. He is unfailingly considerate of her feelings. "I'm alright," she assures Chakotay.

As for his compliments, she has to disagree in part, grinning ruefully as she tells him, "I think I'm much more stubborn than I am brave. My brothers too. We're a stubborn family. Inda and Tanrid never had any more idea of how to give up on something than I had." Hadand holds onto things, even when she doesn't know if there's any hope. Her feelings for Chakotay are another thing she can't picture herself letting go of.

She had so many reasons for following through with the life that was planned for her, though. Hadand pictures Evred's face. "It was never just duty. Aldren was an enemy, but his brother..." She doesn't blame Wisthia and Tlennen for all the roles they never played in their sons' lives. Not usually, though she does wish things had been different. But the truth is, Hadand filled in for that lack in any way she could.

"Their mother was distant and their father, busy. I was the one who Evred came to with his problems. I taught him how to read and answered all his questions. I'm only two years older, but I was the first person he ever trusted. I did more to raise him than anyone else did. I love Evred very much, and I loved his betrothed and his aunt. Aldren's family was my family, and the palace was my home." There aren't words for how much she misses the people she loved, whether she lost them to death or her own covert exile. She is happy on Voyager now, but a part of her will always miss home, however many new people or places she finds to love.

[chakotay]

Hadand may never know the kind of control that Chakotay is exercising tonight. What he desperately wants to do right now is to reach for her, to hold her, maybe even caress her cheek. He wants to offer her some measure of comfort, something other than words to show her that he cares, that he hates what happened to her, what Aldren did and was. But he doesn't. Instead, he just gazes steadily across at her, listening fully before trying to figure out how he can respond.

It's almost funny how Aldren parallels someone Chakotay knew, how much Aldren makes Chakotay think of Seska. An enemy who was a supposed ally for so long. It makes him think of Tuvok and the Maquis who betrayed and were betrayed.

"I am sorry that you aren't able to return to your home," he finally says honestly, with heartfelt emotion. It's a sentiment he can understand, for reasons that she knows already. "Sometimes... even a home can have a viper in it. The ones that make their presence known can be easy to step around and avoid, though you may be bound to some, even if you know that they are there. It's the hidden ones you must be vigilant for, the ones that pretend to be what they aren't. Both kinds are deadly." He sighs softly, folding his hands together and leaning his arms across his knees. "I never did tell you what my life as a Maquis was like towards the end, did I?"

He hasn't told her why he truly dislikes Tuvok, why they don't get along except to save captain and crew... or about Seska. Maybe now is a good time.

[deheldegarthe]

She doesn't know now because she's afraid to hope that Chakotay wants more than friendship from her. That feeling, though, is fast becoming a familiar one. Hadand has to check the urge to reach for Chakotay every time she's near him.

The consolation is appreciated, but Hadand knows that she couldn't go home without regret. Things have gone too far for that, even in the short time she's been on board. She likes parts of her life aboard Voyager and members of the crew. Then, the idea of willingly leaving Chakotay is too painful to consider for more than a moment. She wants to be as clear as possible without burdening him with feelings that might be unwelcome.

"Inda asked me if I was happy here. I am, or could be. I'll always miss the planet where I grew up, but there are parts of my life here that I'd miss even if my name were cleared and I could turn around and go home now." Hadand hesitates a moment before adding with very brief grin, her gaze on his, "There are people I'd miss."

There's clearly a story of his own in the comments about vipers, and she's grateful for the lessons in Earth animals that even tell her what a viper is. Aldren was the first kind. They all knew what to watch for, but somehow no one predicted how far he'd go. She shakes her head. "You haven't, but I'll listen if you'd like to tell me now."

[chakotay]

Chakotay hasn't been sure of Hadand's feelings towards him. What he expects is that they will stay fast friends and nothing else will happen. But her last few words shake his confidence. In a good way, he hopes. For a few moments, he remains silent, watching her as though he's trying to figure out what to tell her. He is. But he's also considering what other story he could tell her. He may have to come up with another ancient legend, like the one he told Kathryn on New Earth, to tell Hadand how he feels about her without actually saying the words.

That will come later. For now, he has actual stories to tell her. Starting from the beginning.

"You know I joined the Maquis to take my father's place after he was killed," Chakotay begins slowly, taking his time as he does with any story he tells. "The Cardassians were threatening our homes and our people. The Federation worked against us as well. They saw us as terrorists who violated the treaty they had finally drawn up with Cardassia. So we ended up fighting both sides a lot of the time.

"The Maquis on this ship were all under my command. I trust the ones who are here and at the time, I trusted the ones on my ship to follow my orders. Not all of the Maquis could be trusted to be good people or even to be fighting for the right reasons. The important thing was that we all fought for a common goal. I could trust them all to perform their duties to meet that goal. B'Elanna was my chief engineer. A Bajoran woman named Seska was also part of our engineering crew." He names off a couple of other people she's probably seen wandering around Voyager. The one name she won't expect is coming soon.

"My tactical officer was a Vulcan. I didn't think a Vulcan would want to be a part of the Maquis, but he made a great officer so I didn't complain. You don't complain if your officers do their jobs." Perhaps he should have, but if he had, he never would have met Kathryn or found peace... or met Hadand.

"We did well until we flew into the Badlands. Avoiding the plasma storms was no easy feat in there and we thought for sure we would be able to lose the Federation ship that was tailing us. But we were pulled by something else 75,000 lightyears away. And Voyager was pulled not long after. Our crew members were taken, so Captain Janeway and I agreed to work together to find them. Unfortunately for me, when I met her, she greeted my tactical officer like an old friend and I discovered that Tuvok had been spying on me the whole time."

He pauses for a few seconds to see her reaction, to let her digest the news that Tuvok, the security and tactical officer on Voyager and the person he had gone to in order to help find Hadand a job, had played Chakotay like an instrument, fooled him well. This may help her understand the animosity between them. Or at least why they don't work well together. Why Chakotay feels so strongly about betrayal. Why Tuvok doesn't like Kathryn's choice of first officer.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand is patient. She waits for Chakotay to speak, offering silence so he can choose his words without rushing. A few minutes is little enough to ask of her. She has to exert a lot more self control just containing her own feelings.

When Chakotay does share the story, Hadand listens intently. She expected nothing else from a description of the political situation and Chakotay's crew versus the rest of the Maquis. The bare bones of how they got to the delta quadrant is also familiar. She knows something is going on given the way he talks about the Vulcan, but somehow the revelation of which Vulcan is unexpected.

Surprise gives way quickly to dawning realization. Hadand isn't blind. She'd have to be, to miss the fact that Tuvok and Chakotay aren't friendly. "That does explain some things," she remarks, smiling wryly.

The tension between them. Old grievances, and Chakotay has always taken loyalty seriously as far as Hadand can tell. More earnestly, she adds, "Thank you for going to Tuvok for me."

It would have been much more pleasant for Chakotay if Hadand's skills leaned toward, for instance, engineering. Asking Tuvok for a favor can't have been easy. It speaks again to what a good friend he is, even if he doesn't see her as more.

/writes you a novel

[chakotay]

Old grievances that will likely never rest. Maybe when they finally reach Federation space again, but certainly not while they're aboard Voyager.

Chakotay's seriousness melts into something of a wry grin and he ducks his head for a few seconds. "I'm sure it does," he agrees. "Like why we don't spend time together outside of the conference room and occasionally the captain's ready room. Or why we rarely say two words to each other." And a variety of other things. "I don't like him because he betrayed my crew. He doesn't think I'm fit to be First Officer of a Starfleet ship. I doubt he thinks I'm capable of being First Officer on a Maquis ship." But that's another thing entirely and a lot of that is Chakotay's negative bias showing through. "More than that, though... I'm sure it's always felt like a slight that she chose me to be her second in command over him." Despite how close Kathryn and Tuvok are, Chakotay will always believe that.

As for the rest, he just nods seriously. "You're welcome. I thought you deserved the chance." And she means enough to him that he was happy to ask about the possibility for her. People he cares for are one of the few reasons he will go to Tuvok and break their silence. With how deeply he cares for Hadand, it was only a matter of time.

"The story doesn't end there," he continues softly. "When it became clear that we wouldn't be going home the way we had come -- I had to crash the Val Jean during the mess we found ourselves in to save both crews -- Captain Janeway and I wanted to meld the two crews into one. We agreed that it would be better to run this ship as a Starfleet ship. Getting the two crews to work together was harder than you might think." He manages a small smile at that, remembering the days and how difficult they were. "We had had skirmishes with a group of people called the Kazon since the very beginning. None of them liked us and they were hell-bent on killing us all if they could. Despite that, Seska, our Bajoran Maquis engineer, wanted to contact them, but we said no. It was harder for me. We had been... involved since she had joined my crew. She knew my secrets, knew that mushroom soup is my favorite food, and exactly how much the Kazon worried me. Eventually, we began to see traces, communications leaks among other hints, hints that someone was contacting the Kazon. We eventually traced it back to Seska after our doctor discovered that her blood lacked all of the factors of a normal Bajoran."

His voice turns hard as he goes on, slightly icy and certainly with a great deal of irritation at himself for not having caught her sooner. "Turns out, Seska wasn't a Bajoran at all. She was a Cardassian, surgically altered to appear Bajoran so that she could infiltrate my ship." Two spies on his ship. Two. It's a wonder that he doesn't beat himself up more for that every day. He likely would if so much good hadn't come out of it all. "She managed to escape to a Kazon ship nearby. Months passed. We had altercations with the Kazon, including one time where they managed to capture me and torture me for Voyager's access codes." At the moment, he's ignoring the fact that they captured him because he was stupid and ran off to fight them. He also feels he doesn't need to say that he never cracked under that torture. "After I was rescued, she sent me a message that I arrogantly allowed to be played to the bridge crew. I thought she couldn't surprise me, that I didn't need to hide and I could handle whatever she threw at me.

"I was wrong."

It takes a lot for him to admit that and it shows on his face as he gathers himself for the rest. "She said she had stolen some of my DNA, that the child she carried was mine. To me, it was a violation of the highest degree. Through the months and through a lot of talk with my father and my animal guide, I came to accept that child's existence." Of course, the fact that the child isn't on Voyager should be a clue to Hadand as to how this story will end.

"Some time afterwards, the Kazon began attacking us. Over time, they weakened us so that when they finally did strike with full power, they overwhelmed us easily, boarded, and chose a planet for the crew to live on for the rest of our days. There they left us and they took our ship away. We were lucky. Lieutenant Paris had escaped with a shuttle during the attack and managed to bring in reinforcements. Thanks to him, the Doctor, and someone else who was killed while helping, Voyager was retaken and the Kazon evacuated. We were rescued. We had our ship back. Seska was killed during the fight for Voyager and I assume her Kazon partner took the child. We never saw him again."

For a second, he sits there in silence, examining Hadand's face to see how she's taking all of this. And then he reaches out one of his hands for one of hers. "Hearing about Aldren reminded me of Seska. They were both vipers, both vicious and cunning and convinced that their way was the only way. Both poisonous and deadly. Both are gone now and, in a way, you and I each have our own freedom to live as we wish."

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand knows how hard it was to get a group of Marlovan girls, who'd all grown up under the same regulations and traditions, who'd had the same training, to work together. Even in what's supposed to be a single team, there's the potential for divisiveness. It doesn't surprise her at all that the Maquis crew had trouble blending in to Star Fleet.

Her calm, open expression shifts to a frown at the mention of Chakotay's involvement with Seska. Not because of jealousy, but because the way he talks about her isn't at all the way someone would talk about a lover they'd parted amicably with. And they did part, obviously; Hadand has never met Seska despite all of the time she's spent with Chakotay. Hadand cares so much for Chakotay that the idea of anyone lucky enough to have his heart not appreciating it can't possibly sit well with her.

The explanation, when it follows, is so much worse. Another betrayal by a member of his crew, and this one far more personal. She winces when torture is mentioned. Marlovans aren't against torture, on principle. There's a reason so many races from their corner of space consider her people barbarians. Even so, Hadand has never had the stomach for it, least of all when the victim is someone she loves.

None of that compares, though, to the look on her face when Chakotay finally tells her about his child. She knows she'd have long-since met the boy, were he aboard Voyager. Hadand grew up knowing she wouldn't get to raise any daughters she had, but that isn't the same thing at all. She would have had letters, acquaintance or friendship with the women responsible for raising them, yearly visits during their childhoods. Her heart aches for how awful it must have been to lose the boy after finally accepting him, and a soft, "Chakotay," escapes her before she can help it. One of her hands makes an aborted movement, as if wanting to reach for him, but Chakotay isn't in reach. She won't interrupt him, however much she wants to offer something, anything, by way of comfort.

Hadand lets him finish, but shakes her head emphatically when Chakotay compares Aldren to Seska. "I never loved Aldren. I was seven the first time he beat Evred. He was always a known enemy after that, an impending storm. And even then, I knew what had turned him into what he was. I understood Aldren. What Seska did to you was so much worse. She earned your trust and affection and then twisted it to her own purposes. ...And then, your son."

That's the worst part, as far as Hadand is concerned.

[chakotay]

Somehow, Hadand's grief on his behalf and her emphatic concern and support for him mean so much more to Chakotay than almost anyone else's. Kathryn's had meant a great deal to him for many of the same reasons. Though he knows that neither of them will care for him the way he has come to care for them, just knowing that they have cared at all about his reaction and emotional state regarding Seska means more than he will ever be able to say.

"That's a Cardassian for you," he sighs. "All they can think of is the end result, how best to serve their purposes. I don't know if she ever loved me and, frankly, I don't care. What I care about is her child. Even if he weren't my own, I would have raised him like he was."

Chakotay has many conflicted feelings about Seska, what she did to him, and her son. Regardless of the child's true lineage, Chakotay would have accepted the baby if he had gotten the chance to. It took a long, long talk with his father's spirit to finally convince him that he could. Now, he'll never have the chance and sometimes it eats at him when he least expects it to.

"But he will be raised by the Kazon, if he even survived, and there's nothing I can do. He would be--" Chakotay pauses briefly to think back. How long has it been? "-- two, three years old by now. Just old enough to get into trouble. I guess I'll have to content myself with watching Naomi Wildman grow up. At least I know she won't grow up around most vipers."

He will, of course, always consider Seven of Nine to be a viper, but that's another matter entirely.

Speaking of vipers, though, that reminds him. "Hadand... there's something else I wanted to tell you. A legend among my people that I think you should hear."

Just as much of a legend as the one he told Kathryn on New Earth and for the exact same reasons.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand's lips press together grimly at that description of the Cardassians. She wonders what kind of society raises its people that way, but then, Aldren embodied what could happen when someone was raised to use any means for his purpose. He was strong, and he was selfish, and he was never taught consideration or consequences. A whole race of people raised that way...

"It doesn't take blood to make family. Aldren and Evred's aunt Ndara raised me, and I always loved her as a second mother." Whether Seska was honest or not about the child's father doesn't change the fact that Chakotay had already accepted the boy as his. What a terrible loss. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay."

She nods when he says there's something else to tell her. There's been so much already that it's a surprise, but whatever the legend is, Hadand assumes it must relate to all the other revelations they've shared today. She certainly doesn't expect it to be a message for her, except perhaps in the sense of helping her understand the way he feels about everything that's happened, or a response to what Chakotay's learned of her own life. "You're always welcome to tell me stories, Chakotay, whether they're legends or from your own life."

[chakotay]

It was a terrible loss. That whole debacle was terrible, from Seska joining his crew right down to leaving for the Kazon. Add in the fact that she was a Cardassian masquerading as a Bajoran -- he still wonders how she had lived with herself like that -- and had been involved with him and the whole situation is one big boiling pot. An explosion waiting to happen. If only he had seen it coming, he could have spared a lot of people a lot of grief. Not just himself.

He nods to Hadand's claim about Ndara, understanding entirely what she means. His tribe might be his people, but those on Voyager have become like a second family. It would be hard not to become one in their situation. All of that pales in comparison to the story he needs to come up with now. Taking a deep breath, he picks the animals first and then works out the story as he goes. This is important, one of the most important he has ever told, and it must be just right.

"Once there was a hedgehog, large and boastful. He spent much of his life fighting against everything he knew, feeling as though he had nowhere to go and nowhere to belong. Eventually, he was called back, but he still didn't feel like he belonged. He was an outcast until he found a group of other animals. All of them were lost and he finally felt as though he had a purpose: protecting and helping these animals, following their leader as though she had always been his as well. For the first time in his life, he felt peaceful.

"Some time later, a snake was found among them. When that snake went to bite, it was the hedgehog who curled up, showing his spines in protection. The snake bit and bit until its mouth was torn up by the very thing it wanted so badly. It died, alone. When the hedgehog heard there were other snakes in a faraway place and a honey badger in need of protection, he begged his leader to take her in. Fortunately, he was allowed this and the honey badger joined them. The hedgehog swore to himself that he would protect the honey badger, even though it was clear she did not require protection. She only required escape and that was what the lost animals could offer her.

"Time went by and the hedgehog realized that there was nothing he would not do for the honey badger. If another snake came the next day, he would curl up again and help defeat it. He swore to himself that she would never come to harm with him around and afterwards, he felt his peace renewed, his sense of belonging complete once more.

"And so the honey badger and the hedgehog stayed together for a long, long time, fighting snakes and protecting their family."

As Chakotay's voice fades away, he has to keep himself from holding his breath. The last thing he wants to do is push her for anything she might not be willing to give, even if every particle of his being screams for him just to tell her. This is the most direct he can be and he worries that he is being too direct. It should be easy to figure out what he means; however, just as with Kathryn, he uses the metaphor as an out, a way to tell without actually telling so that if Hadand wishes just to keep a friendship with him, then no feelings are left out to be stomped on.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand guesses who the hedgehog represents almost immediately. She's sure of it as soon as he reaches the pronoun describing the leader of the other group of animals. She. Captain Janeway. It isn't hard to tell when he reaches her own part in it, and she listens carefully. As a code, this is simple, but oh, the last thing she wants is to misinterpret Chakotay's feelings about her.

She forces herself to exhale, breathing in a normal rhythm rather than holding her breath in anticipation. She fights against the surge of hope that rushes through her when he talks about the passage of time. Hadand won't indulge that. Not yet. Not until he's finished.

When he finally does, she casts about for any explanation other than the obvious one. Could she have missed his meaning?

No.

Hope singing through her, Hadand rises from her seat and crosses the few steps separating them. No hesitation left in her, she leans in to rest a hand on his cheek and kiss him. She puts as much passion and sincerity into the kiss as she can manage, reveling in the feeling of something that she's so carefully denied herself for weeks. In that time, she hasn't managed to go a single day without thinking about the possibility of it.

Finally, Hadand breaks that contact, resting her forehead against his and stroking her thumb along Chakotay's cheekbone. "I've wanted to do that since you first showed me the holodeck," she tells him softly, "and I think I've loved you for longer."

[chakotay]

Convinced that he had been too forward, Chakotay sits there as tense as a piece of Voyager's bulkheads while he waits for Hadand to reply. He expects she will respond similarly to Kathryn, that she will tell him in her own way that she cares about him, just... not as strongly as he cares for her.

When she stands, confusion crosses his face. He moves to stand as well, but she has already crossed the distance between them and before he can ask what's wrong, she cups his cheek with her hand and kisses him. This is what he has wanted for so long. The actuality of it is still enough of a shock that for a second he's too stunned to act. That second passes quickly before he returns the kiss, letting his mouth work against hers, pulling them both into the kiss, deeper and deeper until she pulls away.

"Hadand," he whispers, his voice full of emotion. Letting his eyes search hers, he reaches a hand to her cheek as though to cradle the most important thing in his life. "I don't think I could pinpoint exactly when I fell in love with you. I only know that I did."

Instead of asking if she would be the honey badger to his hedgehog, he gently shifts to pull her into his lap so he can kiss her again at a better angle.

[deheldegarthe]

This isn't something Hadand ever expected from her life. She planned to marry a man she considered an enemy, and then, before all of the false accusations, thought she'd marry someone who would never love her back. Passion isn't new, but in the past it was something else, always completely separate from her heart. Her kiss to Chakotay is her first with someone she really cares about. When he returns it, she's startled by just how good it feels, and just how much she wants him. She hums in pleasure.

No one's ever said her name like that, either, or touched her so reverently. She reaches up to lay her hand lightly over his. "I was afraid to hope that you felt the same way, but you were the first thought in my mind when Inda asked if I was happy." Not the only thought, which is for the best because it means she has more to hold her here, a sense of purpose outside of their relationship, but the first.

Her soft smile shifts into a broad grin of anticipation as Chakotay pulls her into exactly the place she most wants to be right now. She settles comfortably into his lap and presses her body against his. Hadand wraps her arms around Chakotay's shoulders, kissing him hungrily.

[chakotay]

They remain in place for quite a while, holding each other and doing what cadets at the Academy have always called "making out." In fact, Chakotay only stops when it seems that both of them are out of breath. He doesn't get this sort of thing often. In fact he can remember the last time it happened and he very much wants to erase that memory. Having Hadand in his lap is a definite improvement to his romantic life.

"Hadand," he whispers reverently, his eyes searching hers. "I... This may be too soon, but I had thought..."

Somehow, the wordsmith lost his words. He takes a breath and tries to start again.

"This step may be coming early and we may need to find you another set of clothes for the night and morning, but... if you decide you want to stay the night, I would very much like that."

[deheldegarthe]

She's practically giddy by the time they separate for air, another new thing. Physically, she's enjoyed herself, but she's certainly never been so happy in a relationship that she felt like there simply wasn't room in her for more. The revelation that he returns all of her feelings seemed too good to possibly be true, but then it was echoed and reinforced by every touch and every kiss until she fully accepted it.

Hadand laughs softly, a little breathier than usual. There's something endearing in the way Chakotay fumbles for words now, eloquence discarded. She may have fretted about telling Chakotay she loved him, but this is a very easy question for Hadand to ask or answer.

"I'd be disappointed," she tells him, running her hands over his shoulders and down his chest, "to sleep alone after you kissed me like that. Of course I'll stay. I'd have asked whether you wanted to weeks ago, if I weren't worried about the strength of my feelings being a burden."

In case Chakotay was wondering whether Marlovans have any taboos relating to sex, he'll be quickly shown otherwise. Hadand isn't shy at all, in discussion or practice.

[chakotay]

Chakotay's lips curl upwards in an almost shy smile that she will be seeing a whole lot more of and he dips his head as though to briefly hide it. She's been waiting a while, it seems. Probably longer than he has. All the more reason for them to try this relationship and make each other happy.

"And I was worried that you loved someone else or that I would always just be your friend," he admits. "I didn't want to burden you, either. I guess we're a little too alike in some things."

Not that this is a bad thing. Warmth curls his lips further as he leans in to briefly kiss her once more. "We should find you something to wear in the morning." And at night if she wants. "We could replicate something so that you don't have to leave...?"

Or she could grab something from her quarters and spare the replicator rations. He should likely prepare his room for an overnight guest. It's been so long since he had one. Kathryn only stays for dinners these days and usually he is the one joining her in her quarters. Their meetings never last long, though. Not like this. As much as he loves Kathryn, he thinks he could love Hadand more.

[deheldegarthe]

Oh, she loves that smile. She could get used to it far too easily, and Hadand leans in to kiss him affectionately on the cheek before Chakotay can raise his head to meet her gaze again.

The second of those worries is familiar enough, but the first obviously gives her pause. Hadand is surprised, the idea of loving someone else not even having occurred to her. Softly, she tells him, "I've never loved anyone else. Except perhaps Evred, but... he's only interested in men. I've known that for years, almost as long as I've been attracted to him. If I'd stayed on Iasca Leror, he would have married me without any idea how I felt." A political marriage that would have worked out beautifully if it weren't for Hadand's heart. She would have loved him, and he'd never have returned those feelings. He couldn't. He wasn't made that way.

It makes her all the more grateful for what she has here in front of her. Resting a hand on his neck, she traces her thumb along Chakotay's jawline.

That tenderness turns back to laughter after his kiss. Hadand would be perfectly fine walking back to her quarters in today's clothes, because she really doesn't care what the crew says. Gossip is gossip, and this isn't anything Hadand feels the need to hide. Clearly amused, she replies, "Save your replicator rations. We can use them to add mushroom soup to the menu next time we have dinner together. That was your favorite, right?" She couldn't help making note of that small detail, even in the middle of heartwrenching stories.

"Give me five minutes or so, and I'll be back. But first..." She happens to like sitting in his lap, and Hadand isn't going anywhere without kissing Chakotay very thoroughly first. After that, she'll tear herself away long enough to preserve them both from more gossip than necessary.

[chakotay]

It's a strange thing, the idea of Hadand nearly having been married to another. Stranger still is the idea that she would have married someone who never would have loved her in return. It saddens Chakotay's heart in a way, but he finds himself glad that he can give this to her now. After all, he's happy to have the opportunity for himself. If Hadand hadn't come aboard, he would never have had love like this, a love returned. At this point, Kathryn will never love him the way he loves her. Chakotay and Hadand have that in common.

He manages an amused smile and a chuckle to hear that she remembers the little detail of his favorite soup. He should have known she would. "It is," he confirms. "There's a special recipe I prefer above all others. It's in the replicators." Or he might be able to convince Neelix to make it for the whole crew someday.

As it stands, Chakotay absolutely does not mind the extra making out. After all of that time they spent separated, convinced that the other didn't love the way they did, it's about time they use every moment they have to make each other feel as loved and wanted and cherished as possible.

Once Hadand parts and leaves the room for her quarters, Chakotay sets about getting everything ready for a second person. Extra cups, extra towels -- not that the sonic showers really need towels, but she might want one for the morning -- and so on. By the time she returns, he is nervously hovering by the replicator, more to give himself something to focus on than anything else.

[deheldegarthe]

It will be a miracle if there's no gossip the next day, even with a change of clothes handy. However discreet she is on the trip back to her own quarters, there's no hiding just how happy she is from the few crew members she passes in the halls. Even brief nods of greeting are enough to reveal the smile she's completely given up on containing. Right now, Hadand has everything she didn't think she could ask for.

She goes straight to Chakotay when she reenters the room, pushing up onto the balls of her feet so that she can kiss him lightly.

"Let me change first?" she asks.

It isn't necessary, of course. She wouldn't have spared a thought for anything other than getting each other out of their clothes quickly if they'd gone straight from the chair to the bed. Since their time together was already interrupted, though, she'd just as soon do this.

Once he agrees, it only takes her a moment in the other room to get out of her clothes and into a sleeping robe. Only one layer of lightweight fabric, and unlike her usual choices in clothing, its drape does absolutely nothing to hide her figure. She also takes down her hair, which Chakotay has never seen any way besides braided and usually wrapped around her head. Hadand isn't vain, but she knows she's always dressed for a fight. It's habit, and she likes it that way most of the time. Not tonight, though. Everything about her current attire and mess of brown curls is softness and comfort rather than warrior practicality.

[chakotay]

And of course, there's always a member of the Gossip Squadron hidden nearby to catch anything necessary to their cause. The betting pool stakes just went up.

When Hadand returns and makes that request, Chakotay's immediate response is, "Of course." He is, naturally, curious and confused as to why she would want to change, why she wouldn't have changed clothes in her quarters instead of here. So he spends a few long minutes, wondering what is going on, what she's planning. Has he worried her too much? Worry, worry, worry.

And then she lets him into the bedroom with her and it's all he can do not to stand there slack-jawed. It's been a long time since he has had the opportunity to be with a woman like this, a long, long time since one has worn anything as attractive as this. Normally, he finds himself attracted to personality first, looks later. Tonight, he finds that Hadand is feeding both sides and he resolves to thank the Spirits for leading her to him.

"I suddenly feel overdressed," is about all he can manage to say in response as he slowly makes his way to her, slides his arms around her back, and kisses her soundly.

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand isn't worrying at all, and she'd be quick to reassure Chakotay if he let on that he was. She got all her worrying over with while she wondered what his feelings were. Now that those are in the open, there are few things she's more sure of than her relationship with Chakotay. Whatever terms he wants that relationship to be on, she's happy to accept. Hadand has faith that they'll figure those out as they go. He loves her back, and Hadand can't imagine how greedy she'd have to be not to be happy with that.

Well, maybe she could be a little greedy, because the look on Chakotay's face when he joins her is both exactly what she hoped for and nothing she ever expected. It's her turn to duck her head in an attempt to hide a shy smile. If only for a moment, he's caught her completely off-balance. Hadand doesn't need any compliments out loud. That look was more than enough.

Her shyness vanishes quickly enough, a soft laugh swallowed up into that kiss. Hadand pulls him close, assuring him breathlessly between kisses, "That can be changed easily enough." Hands on his lower back, she slides her thumbs underneath his shirt.

[chakotay]

If there is one thing getting to know Hadand's past has taught him it's that they come from vastly different cultural backgrounds. They'll have to talk things over when they aren't completely entranced and entwined with each other. Right now, all that matters is enjoying a night with each other.

He laughs at her words, letting her dictate what comes off first. He will be more difficult to undress, but that's all right. It's part of the joy.

Very quickly, Chakotay loses track of time. In fact, he loses himself in what he and Hadand are doing, in how it feels and what it means. When he next becomes aware of anything other than the woman in his arms, it's that the clock says 0400 hours. His shift begins at 0600. Two hours. He has a little less than two hours to spend with Hadand before reporting for duty. The Gossip Squadron will spare no time in asking him how his night went, he's sure, and one of them will probably start asking if Naomi Wildman will get a playmate sometime soon-

"Oh Spirits," he groans, covering his face with one hand as realization hit him. Things he should have discussed before they got carried away: the inhibitors!

[deheldegarthe]

The clothes take barely any of her attention. All of that is occupied by the man wearing them, and his uniform is such a small obstacle.

Hadand has always been straightforward and easy to please, but she completely loses herself in Chakotay in a way she never has with anyone else. There's so much more trust and emotion between them. She doesn't sleep at all, except when she slips into a light doze for a few minutes. Hadand deliberately stays awake, intent on appreciating the feeling of someone she loves wrapped up in her arms, his warmth against her.

When realization strikes him, her hand stills on his shoulder, where she had been idly tracing patterns. Concerned, Hadand props herself up on one elbow so she can see his face. "What's wrong, Chakotay?"

It can't be doubts about what exists between them now, she assures herself silently. Chakotay doesn't take anyone's feelings lightly.

[chakotay]

Thinking of the inhibitors makes him think of other things and he groans again. He should have taken her straight to sickbay before they did anything at all, but he had never imagined...

"I should have taken you to sickbay before you kissed me last night, but I never expected that you would," he admits, finally letting his hand fall back against his side. Now how should he even begin this? "There's no real risk from last night. If I had expected anything that happened--" Or been thinking clearly when it did. "--I would have thought to ask if..."

His cheeks are probably bright red by now, but he forces himself onward.

"Starfleet officers are offered a fertility inhibitor. In case they don't want to run the risk of having a child before they are prepared. We should... I should have asked."

Spirits, could this be more awkward???

[deheldegarthe]

Hadand listens silently, her brow furrowed as she tries to figure out what he's leading up to. Even once he reaches his point, it takes her a moment. Then it sinks in. It's such a human concern, or at the very least a non-Marlovan one, that she didn't even stop to think back to her own talk with the Doctor during her initial visit to sick bay. He was so taken aback by the genetic changes her people made to themselves that of course Chakotay is worried now.

And from the way Chakotay stumbles over his words, he's a lot less at ease with the subject than Hadand is. She smiles just a little, leaning over to kiss him softly on the forehead.

"That's not a concern," she tells him. Her smile falters slightly as she continues, "I'm infertile. It's in my medical records, if you want confirmation from the Doctor. I won't ever be pregnant."

After everything he told her last night about Seska, about the son he'll never get to raise, she ought to have offered this conversation sooner. She just got carried away, and unwanted pregnancy is such a foreign idea that it didn't occur to her to bring it up.